I found out about a year ago that I have pretty serious anxiety caused my OCD. Growing up I always wanted to be in control (which was also confused my being bossy), I had a routine and things needed to be structured all the time. But I could control that it was only me I needed to control. Not until I got married did my OCD get worse. It got to the point where I broke a bowl and cried for two hours that my loving husband told me I needed to see a doctor because that was not normal. We didn't really get a honeymoon phase because I was so anxious and would clean and organize till my fingers bled. And I feel guilty. 

Going to a doctor was terrifying because I didn't feel sick, but I knew I was sick. It was a sickness that would never go away, that's truly what I was terrified of. The doctor told me right away that I had serious anxiety cause my OCD. And not the OCD your thinking of (touching my toes 12 times or lining everything perfectly), my OCD is about my control, and controlling my world. Because my world had changed I was not reacting well. He gave me a prescription and sent me on my way. I'm thinking "thank goodness!! This will go away and I can be the perfect little housewife." This thing about anxiety is that it doesn't really go away. But I was getting better. A lot less crying over spilled milk and a lot more smiling. 

Then we moved.... I lost all control and it was back and no pill was going to stop it.  Luckily a few months later we found my lifesaver ms.scooby. I was getting better. Until now. I lay awake, I cry, I can't breath, and I can't make it go away. 

I have never felt so helpless when you can't control your thoughts and feelings. The thoughts of complete loneliness when surrounded by people, the thoughts of complete defeat and sadness. It's all so real and it's scary. I hide because I am too shamed to admit to myself and others that I'm not okay, but I have no other choice to have it all together. I have good days and I have really bad days. Where simply getting out of bed is out of the question. It is so hard to explain anxiety and OCD because I don't really know what's going on. 

But, what I am learning and I hope by writing all of this will help someone or even myself in the future is that it's about patience and faith. If I hold on for just a little whole longer, if I stay focused on the prize, if I have patience in his timing, if I have faith that he will find me. Then things will all be okay. 

I know this is something I will forever have to live with but I know one day it will not control me.