The Holmes: 2014

Tonight's one of those night I lay awake because my mind is running, my heart is thumping, and my fingers are tingling. I feel like I need to get real because life is not always about flowers and lollipops (even tho I prevent it is). I lay awake most nights only catching a few moments of rest before my mind starts running again. I really don't know how I have functioned for so long.

I found out about a year ago that I have pretty serious anxiety caused my OCD. Growing up I always wanted to be in control (which was also confused my being bossy), I had a routine and things needed to be structured all the time. But I could control that it was only me I needed to control. Not until I got married did my OCD get worse. It got to the point where I broke a bowl and cried for two hours that my loving husband told me I needed to see a doctor because that was not normal. We didn't really get a honeymoon phase because I was so anxious and would clean and organize till my fingers bled. And I feel guilty.

Going to a doctor was terrifying because I didn't feel sick, but I knew I was sick. It was a sickness that would never go away, that's truly what I was terrified of. The doctor told me right away that I had serious anxiety cause my OCD. And not the OCD your thinking of (touching my toes 12 times or lining everything perfectly), my OCD is about my control, and controlling my world. Because my world had changed I was not reacting well. He gave me a prescription and sent me on my way. I'm thinking "thank goodness!! This will go away and I can be the perfect little housewife." This thing about anxiety is that it doesn't really go away. But I was getting better. A lot less crying over spilled milk and a lot more smiling.

Then we moved.... I lost all control and it was back and no pill was going to stop it. Luckily a few months later we found my lifesaver ms.scooby. I was getting better. Until now. I lay awake, I cry, I can't breath, and I can't make it go away.

I have never felt so helpless when you can't control your thoughts and feelings. The thoughts of complete loneliness when surrounded by people, the thoughts of complete defeat and sadness. It's all so real and it's scary. I hide because I am too shamed to admit to myself and others that I'm not okay, but I have no other choice to have it all together. I have good days and I have really bad days. Where simply getting out of bed is out of the question. It is so hard to explain anxiety and OCD because I don't really know what's going on.

But, what I am learning and I hope by writing all of this will help someone or even myself in the future is that it's about patience and faith. If I hold on for just a little whole longer, if I stay focused on the prize, if I have patience in his timing, if I have faith that he will find me. Then things will all be okay.

I know this is something I will forever have to live with but I know one day it will not control me.

One of the Princess is getting married this Saturday and we just had to throw her a proper princess bachelorette party. It all started with a limo (thanks Emily) to downtown Gilbert, to eat at the trendy Liberty Market. The limo was too much fun that we wanted to hang out in there all night, but we eventually had to return back to my house. There we had non-alcholic cocktails (thanks Rachel), ate a hilarious cake (thanks Aleshia), played Disney themed games. It was fantastic! I especially loved decorating this party because it was pink, purple, glitter, and all girl!

No Disney Party would be complete without a Castle!

Floating Paper Lanterns

Disney Shot Glasses

(to take shots of soda of course)

Best Day Ever Banner with giant tissue paper flowers. Perfect Background for photos.

Princess Pose!

The best cake ever made!

We Disneybounded!

Left to Right: Blair Rose, Ariel, Jasmine, Rapunzel (Bride) wedding gown, Alice, Merida, Mary Poppins

Selfies in the limo!

This limo was the bomb! It was huge and played music videos!

After Dinner

Non-Alcoholic Margaritas (So yummy!)

First game was Who am I? Prince Edition.

Remember all the underwear hanging up on a clothes line. The bride had to guess who brought which ones. Then we of course made her wear them around her neck.

Last game was the suitcase game. We all had to guess how long it would take for the bride to put on all the clothes in the suitcase while blindfolded. To make it interesting whoever had the furthest time from the winning time had to dance solo for a whole song.

We already had a tiny bride but the more she put on the smaller she got.

Are you still in there?

Of course I lost the bet and had to dance solo, but I didn't mind.

Halloween is my ALL time favorite holiday! I love that you can dress up and act like anyone or anything (Maybe I should have been an actress)! We this year Halloween snuck up on me. I decorated a bit, but didn't even buy a real pumpkin. Also I didn't even have a costume ready either. But I was so excited because we have a house now and can have real trick or treaters, also we live right across the street from a high school, Jr. high and elementary school. Well that's what I thought at least.

It all started the night before when a Co-worker and I made these super cute lace cat ears. I could wear these at work and still look professional.

Our office closed at 3 and I ran to the store to grab 4 huge bags of candy. Thinking I live next to 3 schools, this neighborhood is going to be packed!

It's 5:00 no ones out but it's still early.

5:30- okay still a little early but not even some little munchkins?

6:00-Okay bring it on people its go time

6:30-Do they not do Halloween in this neighborhood?

6:45-They should have put up signs that they don't do Halloween!

7:00-A car pulls up and a cute little Princess Sofia pops out

7:30- Another car pulls up and out pop a ninja turtle and pirate

7:45- Another car pulls up! Is this how kids do it these days?

8:00-Only 4 Trick or Treaters?

9:30- I give up I'm putting some candy on the porch

9:31-It's all gone. (Really?)

10:30-Eat the leftover candy. These people have no idea how to do Halloween properly.

Well at-leased my house showed up for Halloween.

Oh and here's a picture of Scooby the Skeleton.

Have you ever been crushed by something?

Yep! That's what it feels like with all this pressure to have little people these days. It seems like everyone and their mom is popping out kids. And we are currently the only family in our ward under 30 without kids = we have no friends.

Are we missing out? Is there a memo we aren't getting?

Trust me, I can not wait to have my own little alive doll that I can dress up and swoon over. I dream of how cute our little ones will be.

Just because it's funny to see what our kids might look like.

But, I really don't want the responsibility right now.
Is that bad?
I want enjoy my twenties and my early years with my hubby.
Is that selfish?
I want to work and make my own money that I can spend on myself.
Is that greedy?
I want get a full nights sleep every night.
Is that awful?

I personally think their is way to much pressure placed on young LDS members. Get married young, have babies young, blah blah blah. I didn't want to get married till I was in my late twenties (thanks for screwing that up Will. Lol!), and I certainly don't want my own little posse till I'm older than that. I'm not ready to grow up, not ready to be a pregnant, and not ready to be called mom (Ekk! that sound of that kinda makes me cringe a bit. Maybe my kids can call me by my first name?).

I'm no baby hater. I love kids! and everything I enjoy involves kids, but want to my pre-mommy chapter a bit longer first.

I have been coaching freshman cheer for 4 years now. Crazy that my very first team I ever coached is graduating this year. Man do I feel old.

Coaching for so long has provided me to get to know so many girls and become a part of their lives. And it weighs heavy on my heart how much these girls have to deal with in these days. High school was not even half as bad as what these girls have to deal with. Everything from mental and physical illnesses, to divorce, and bullying. Many times I hear of these things or a cheerleader comes to me for help and I use to get stuck. I have never been good at emotional or deep conversions, much less giving meaningful and life changing advice to a 14 year old. But, as the years go on I have found that this has gotten easier. My heart has been softened more heart breaking stories I hear from these girls.

It's not fair that they are having to deal with such grown up problems during the best years of their lives. I pray for these girls, everyone. I pray that I am making a difference in their lives, I pray that somehow cheer teaches them life long lessons, I pray that cheer provides them an escape, and I pray that they love themselves and become great leaders.

I am so grateful to have these girls in my life, they have changed me for the better.

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